Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
