Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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