Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
