wat bout pragnant strippers??
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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