considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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