She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
