The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
