The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
