Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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