Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
