Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
