What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
