I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
as a side note pls kill me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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