Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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