Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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