then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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