You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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