I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
