Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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