Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
