Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
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