I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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