...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Drunk is a universal language darling
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
