Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My vagina just recognized that song.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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