She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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