I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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