DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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