As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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