My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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