UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
