exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
