the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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