some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
