what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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