If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
