I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
