Please, let me fuck your mom
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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