My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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