i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
