Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
