I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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