I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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