This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
