Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
