did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
