Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
