My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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