when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
