I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
