So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
