Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
