I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
