so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
