Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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